it is what it is. i made a perfect reality out of a single hallucination. i fed my brain well. it bought my own make believe stories. it got hungry for more. its persistence became my own weakness. serotonin and endorphins took each other the wrong way.
i tried to separate the two. i told them not to mess with the other. but they freakin' did! they had a mind of their own. and alas i made my own bed. now i have to sleep in it.
it wasn't really a stroke of bad luck. it was more of...wrong and poor decision making.
if you were in my shoes? how many times could you possibly believe in the same promises? and no pure intentions of making these promises breathe, walk and talk?
we all made rules. rules for dating. rules of the heart. rules for relationships. rules for cooking spaghetti. but then, there's always the only exception. and that's the ultimate downfall.
how do i overcome impending dooms of self-inflicted pain and fear? am i stupid because i overthink? some higher power tells me to slap myself and keep my shit together. i tried. it just aint happening. i need divine intervention perhaps?
i already lit several candle sticks. bent my knees. closed my eyes and prayed for inner peace. then again, prayers get rain-checked from time to time, don't they? i know! i am absolutely responsible for this entire thing. from overthinking, to having trust issues...the whole nine yards!
say i am a bird only learning to fly. i have no prior test flights. only theories from other birds to fill my bucket with false courage or high hopes that would eventually crash and burn. i expect nobody to break my fall. break my neck. and other fragile parts but my own. should i dust myself off and try again? or succumb to the sweet aroma of failure? how intoxicating can it possibly be?
i'm sick of talking to myself in the mirror. i told you so has become mainstream. i do it over and over again anyway. so what's the point? moot. bleak. insensible even. its nobody's cup of tea, being a fool. the Lord gave you a brain for heaven's sake. why do i not have the audacity to use it purposely?
if this were an ielts question. it would definitely warrant the answer, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT. because i am not using the lobes of both my left and right cerebral hemispheres. frontal. temporal. occipital. parietal. i shut them all down. punk ass reasoning, i say!
imma cut the bullshit and decide on an effing verdict. fight or flee?
if i fight. Ilyn Payne might behead me. flip side, you all get to say..again...I TOLD YOU SO. :)
if i flee. you are dumb ass woman! don't go complaining about all the what ifs you can come up with.
ambivalence has a bitter taste in the mouth. it will take up residence in your entire being and without you knowing, Xanax is your new best friend. how apt.
i have no plans of reaching that pedestal.
so i'll keep my fingers crossed.
if it won't work, i'll flip a coin.
if the coin gets lost in the sewer, i'll consult the cards.
if the cards lie, i'll burn them and look at the stars.
if the night is dark, i'll make my own constellations.
if they choose to hide, i will close my eyes and pray.
i will try not to overdo my preconceived notions.
in the event that i wont be capable of doing so,
i said i will try. i didn't say i'd nail it right away.
right?
xoxo,
A.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Saturday, February 23, 2013
changes.
its amazing how you go from big planes to small ones.
they say the inevitable comes inevitably.
its true.
dreams die sometimes.
its up to you how to resurrect them.
xoxo,
A.
they say the inevitable comes inevitably.
its true.
dreams die sometimes.
its up to you how to resurrect them.
xoxo,
A.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
bunso.
ngayon, pagdating ko sa bahay, puro katahimikan lang naririnig ko. dati kasi, tuwing Linggo pag-uwi ko, meron akong naabutang Nanay na nag-ma-magic sing sa sala. tapos pag nakita ako, ngingiti na syang nakatingin sa'kin habang kumakanta. maya-maya, tatawagin nya na ako, sabay halik sa pisngi ko, at pakakantahin din ako ng kantang gusto nya.
miss ko na yung Nanay ko. pati na rin yung Ate ko. Yung ingay, yung kulitan, yung konting tampuhan, tawanan pati na rin yung mga wala-lang moments.
miss ko sila, samantala nung andyan lang sila, madalas di ko naman sila nabibigyan ng panahon. kesho pagod ako galing trabaho, kesho inaantok nako kasi maaga akong nagigising sa umaga, kesho ganito, kasi ganyan. nagsisisi tuloy ako.
pabiro ko pang sinabe kay Mommy bago sya umalis, "Magha-house party ako dito my!" eh wala namang house party naganap. haha. pero pilit pa rin nilalabanan ang lungkot, at dinaraan na lang sa tawa.
buti na lang kahit papano merong facebook. atleast alam ko, masaya ang nanay ko dun kasama ni ate. para naman sa kanya yun because she rightfully deserves it. she deserves to be happy above all else.
kaya eto, nagba-blog na lang ako. para naman malabas yung tinatagong pagka-miss kay Naty at Amor.
hahaha!
mahal ko kayo,
bunso.
miss ko na yung Nanay ko. pati na rin yung Ate ko. Yung ingay, yung kulitan, yung konting tampuhan, tawanan pati na rin yung mga wala-lang moments.
miss ko sila, samantala nung andyan lang sila, madalas di ko naman sila nabibigyan ng panahon. kesho pagod ako galing trabaho, kesho inaantok nako kasi maaga akong nagigising sa umaga, kesho ganito, kasi ganyan. nagsisisi tuloy ako.
pabiro ko pang sinabe kay Mommy bago sya umalis, "Magha-house party ako dito my!" eh wala namang house party naganap. haha. pero pilit pa rin nilalabanan ang lungkot, at dinaraan na lang sa tawa.
buti na lang kahit papano merong facebook. atleast alam ko, masaya ang nanay ko dun kasama ni ate. para naman sa kanya yun because she rightfully deserves it. she deserves to be happy above all else.
kaya eto, nagba-blog na lang ako. para naman malabas yung tinatagong pagka-miss kay Naty at Amor.
hahaha!
mahal ko kayo,
bunso.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
hate mail.
now and then I think of when we were together,
like when you said you felt so happy you could die.
told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.
but that was love, and it's an ache I still remember...
you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,
like resignation to the end, always the end
so when we found out we could not make sense
well you said that we would still be friends
but I'll admit that I was glad that it was over.
but you didn't have to cut me off.
make it like it never happened at that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough
no, you didn't have to stoop so low
have your friends collect your records and then change your number
guess that I don't need that though
now you're just somebody that I used to know.
the metallic taste of blood as it rids off the tongue, hate for one, rage and then some.
and what for? to re-live the numbing pain of betrayal? seriously? its said and done.
said.
done.
letting go.
let go.
bridges are burned. time wasted. but happy ever afters don't always exist for the weak and naive.
there's always a new leaf, a new page and its called moving on and moving forward.
ain't life grand? one moment you're in deep shit the next thing you know, you're dusting yourself off
and you find yourself trying again...
to get yourself in more deep shit. lol.
mistakes are a thing of the past. but it always lives with the present. the brain would seldom forget, but the memory seldom recalls, then somehow, it becomes real again. like a freshly scratched scar, a new wound.
all the planets would still move, earth would rotate, sun rises and still sets. apparently, stars would still fucking align to eventually lead you to another. bullshit! either way. its a slim to none chance that things would be the same.
but I'm not a full-pledge sinner, neither you, a saint.
no point counting sins if a line has already been drawn
there's an extension of heaven when it sees no hell.
though wishes are existent of your soul burning in one.
flames to dust.
all good things come to an end.
it was once a beginning, until it died a natural and DECEITFUL death.
gravity is not to blame if all we know has fallen.
already whistling a new tune
no more imprisoned thoughts.
only hate mails.
somebody that i used to know.
xoxo,
A.
like when you said you felt so happy you could die.
told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company.
but that was love, and it's an ache I still remember...
you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,
like resignation to the end, always the end
so when we found out we could not make sense
well you said that we would still be friends
but I'll admit that I was glad that it was over.
but you didn't have to cut me off.
make it like it never happened at that we were nothing
I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger
and that feels so rough
no, you didn't have to stoop so low
have your friends collect your records and then change your number
guess that I don't need that though
the metallic taste of blood as it rids off the tongue, hate for one, rage and then some.
and what for? to re-live the numbing pain of betrayal? seriously? its said and done.
said.
done.
letting go.
let go.
bridges are burned. time wasted. but happy ever afters don't always exist for the weak and naive.
there's always a new leaf, a new page and its called moving on and moving forward.
ain't life grand? one moment you're in deep shit the next thing you know, you're dusting yourself off
and you find yourself trying again...
to get yourself in more deep shit. lol.
mistakes are a thing of the past. but it always lives with the present. the brain would seldom forget, but the memory seldom recalls, then somehow, it becomes real again. like a freshly scratched scar, a new wound.
all the planets would still move, earth would rotate, sun rises and still sets. apparently, stars would still fucking align to eventually lead you to another. bullshit! either way. its a slim to none chance that things would be the same.
but I'm not a full-pledge sinner, neither you, a saint.
no point counting sins if a line has already been drawn
there's an extension of heaven when it sees no hell.
though wishes are existent of your soul burning in one.
flames to dust.
all good things come to an end.
it was once a beginning, until it died a natural and DECEITFUL death.
gravity is not to blame if all we know has fallen.
already whistling a new tune
no more imprisoned thoughts.
only hate mails.
xoxo,
A.
Monday, June 11, 2012
linya.
i wish i knew then what i know now.
gravity hurts, you made it so sweet.
til i woke up on,
on the concrete.
Friday, January 27, 2012
my vintage camera.
shallow fascination was all it was. no deeper essence. no meaningful canvass. no extraordinary touch.
discoveries were yet to be made, and my craft yet to unfold.
one event that caused a transition from simple to perplexed.
from solitary confinement to freedom sanctuary.
a mind with creativity without measure.
a hand that can make photographic treasures.
a skill that can be perfected through time.
a talent that he rightfully calls MINE.
he sees beauty in the midst of chaos. art in the most unexpected places.
angles in unsuspecting finds. color ecstacy in classic lights.
different patterns, various hues, it all results to one exceptional work of ingenuity.
a change is inevitable.
from lost to inspired.
from a box of nothing to a crate of inspiration.
from humble beginnings to becoming inspirational.
--- i am proud of you and your work.
you know who you are and how my love for you is incomparable.
i love you and your art.
you inspire me always.
this is for you.
xoxo,
A.
discoveries were yet to be made, and my craft yet to unfold.
one event that caused a transition from simple to perplexed.
from solitary confinement to freedom sanctuary.
a mind with creativity without measure.
a hand that can make photographic treasures.
a skill that can be perfected through time.
a talent that he rightfully calls MINE.
he sees beauty in the midst of chaos. art in the most unexpected places.
angles in unsuspecting finds. color ecstacy in classic lights.
different patterns, various hues, it all results to one exceptional work of ingenuity.
a change is inevitable.
from lost to inspired.
from a box of nothing to a crate of inspiration.
from humble beginnings to becoming inspirational.
--- i am proud of you and your work.
you know who you are and how my love for you is incomparable.
i love you and your art.
you inspire me always.
this is for you.
xoxo,
A.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
that chiffon cake...
Whenever I'd think of him, I would always remember a chiffon cake. A chiffon cake for my birthday, a chiffon cake he would bring on my cousin's birthday, a chiffon cake for a Christmas Reunion, honestly, a chiffon cake for any occasion. That's how thoughtful my grandfather is. He never forgets, even though we sometimes do.
It's the littlest things we seldom forget, but it's the ones that always leave a mark.
I have millions of stories about him. Stories on how he was a Lolo to all of us. He was one warm gentleman who would always smile at you when he'd see you. He'd give you candy when you did good in school. He'd comfort you when you're crying. Provide the things you need however and whenever he can. He'd challenge you to be better and he'd give you a wet sloppy but sweetest kiss on your special day.
I feel bad that I wasn't able to care for him as much as I could. I was supposed to be his angel in the sickroom, and I wasn't there. I used to visit him in his bedroom and watch him just lying there, staring blankly at the ceiling. He'd look at me and try to talk even if he couldn't. He would stare at me and I'd hope that he remembers me. I saw his health depreciate. From a once health man, he became ill and skinny.
Twas Christmas of 2010 when he could still sit and talk for a while. I helped him drink his meds and he'd even choke. His eyes were that of a kid, who was asking me not to make him drink the bitter liquid anymore. I wish I could have done it for him, take it all for him so he wouldn't have too much of a hard time. It hurts to know that you are a nurse but you can't nurse your own grandfather back to health. I serve and assist other old people but I wasn't there beside him for the past months when he needed the utmost care.
I'm sorry Lolo. I couldn't even bring you your own chiffon cake on your last birthday. I wasn't even able to hug you and kiss your cheek then... I couldn't kiss or hug you now. :( . Will you still hear me if I said I love you? I know you said that to me a hundred times and I couldn't remember if I said I love you back... Am i too late Lolo?
I don't want to reminisce how you were because you're gone, but I want to relive how you are because I know you'll always be there, in our minds, in our hearts, always a part of us, always a part of me.
Thank you Lo because I am a Bautista and I'll always be proud to be one. Thank you for teaching me your ways. It's hard to let go but I'm beginning to accept it now. You're in a happier place.
and thank you for that chiffon cake on my birthday...
I'll cherish that photo of us, with you holding my plastic yellow tea set...
You sleep easy, you can now finally rest.
Hug and kiss Lola Pauline for me, tell her I miss her though I never met her.
I love you.
Xoxo,
Angel.
It's the littlest things we seldom forget, but it's the ones that always leave a mark.
I have millions of stories about him. Stories on how he was a Lolo to all of us. He was one warm gentleman who would always smile at you when he'd see you. He'd give you candy when you did good in school. He'd comfort you when you're crying. Provide the things you need however and whenever he can. He'd challenge you to be better and he'd give you a wet sloppy but sweetest kiss on your special day.
I feel bad that I wasn't able to care for him as much as I could. I was supposed to be his angel in the sickroom, and I wasn't there. I used to visit him in his bedroom and watch him just lying there, staring blankly at the ceiling. He'd look at me and try to talk even if he couldn't. He would stare at me and I'd hope that he remembers me. I saw his health depreciate. From a once health man, he became ill and skinny.
Twas Christmas of 2010 when he could still sit and talk for a while. I helped him drink his meds and he'd even choke. His eyes were that of a kid, who was asking me not to make him drink the bitter liquid anymore. I wish I could have done it for him, take it all for him so he wouldn't have too much of a hard time. It hurts to know that you are a nurse but you can't nurse your own grandfather back to health. I serve and assist other old people but I wasn't there beside him for the past months when he needed the utmost care.
I'm sorry Lolo. I couldn't even bring you your own chiffon cake on your last birthday. I wasn't even able to hug you and kiss your cheek then... I couldn't kiss or hug you now. :( . Will you still hear me if I said I love you? I know you said that to me a hundred times and I couldn't remember if I said I love you back... Am i too late Lolo?
I don't want to reminisce how you were because you're gone, but I want to relive how you are because I know you'll always be there, in our minds, in our hearts, always a part of us, always a part of me.
Thank you Lo because I am a Bautista and I'll always be proud to be one. Thank you for teaching me your ways. It's hard to let go but I'm beginning to accept it now. You're in a happier place.
and thank you for that chiffon cake on my birthday...
I'll cherish that photo of us, with you holding my plastic yellow tea set...
You sleep easy, you can now finally rest.
Hug and kiss Lola Pauline for me, tell her I miss her though I never met her.
I love you.
Xoxo,
Angel.
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