bipolar.

it is what it is. i made a perfect reality out of a single hallucination. i fed my brain well. it bought my own make believe stories. it got hungry for more. its persistence became my own weakness. serotonin and endorphins took each other the wrong way. 

i tried to separate the two. i told them not to mess with the other. but they freakin' did! they had a mind of their own. and alas i made my own bed. now i have to sleep in it. 

it wasn't really a stroke of bad luck. it was more of...wrong and poor decision making. 
if you were in my shoes? how many times could you possibly believe in the same promises? and no pure intentions of making these promises breathe, walk and talk?

we all made rules. rules for dating. rules of the heart. rules for relationships. rules for cooking spaghetti. but then, there's always the only exception. and that's the ultimate downfall. 

how do i overcome impending dooms of self-inflicted pain and fear? am i stupid because i overthink? some higher power tells me to slap myself and keep my shit together. i tried. it just aint happening. i need divine intervention perhaps?

i already lit several candle sticks. bent my knees. closed my eyes and prayed for inner peace. then again, prayers get rain-checked from time to time, don't they? i know! i am absolutely responsible for this entire thing. from overthinking, to having trust issues...the whole nine yards!

say i am a bird only learning to fly. i have no prior test flights. only theories from other birds to fill my bucket with false courage or high hopes that would eventually crash and burn. i expect nobody to break my fall. break my neck. and other fragile parts but my own. should i dust myself off and try again? or succumb to the sweet aroma of failure?  how intoxicating can it possibly be?

i'm sick of talking to myself in the mirror. i told you so has become mainstream. i do it over and over again anyway. so what's the point? moot. bleak. insensible even. its nobody's cup of tea, being a fool. the Lord gave you a brain for heaven's sake. why do i not have the audacity to use it purposely? 

if this were an ielts question. it would definitely warrant the answer, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT. because i am not using the lobes of both my left and right cerebral hemispheres. frontal. temporal. occipital. parietal. i shut them all down. punk ass reasoning, i say!

imma cut the bullshit and decide on an effing verdict.  fight or flee?

if i fight. Ilyn Payne might behead me. flip side, you all get to say..again...I TOLD YOU SO. :)

if i flee. you are dumb ass woman! don't go complaining about all the what ifs you can come up with. 

ambivalence has a bitter taste in the mouth. it will take up residence in your entire being and without you knowing, Xanax is your new best friend. how apt. 

i have no plans of reaching that pedestal. 

so i'll keep my fingers crossed. 
if it won't work, i'll flip a coin.
 if the coin gets lost in the sewer, i'll consult the cards.
 if the cards lie, i'll burn them and look at the stars. 
if the night is dark, i'll make my own constellations.
if they choose to hide, i will close my eyes and pray.


i will try not to overdo my preconceived notions.
in the event that i wont be capable of doing so,
i said i will try. i didn't say i'd nail it right away.

right?

xoxo,

A.